DOMINATRIX :: MOGULS
These are the whip-crackers we love and sometimes love to hate. They are the captains of industry, the producers, the moguls, and while no one is suggesting these powerful men and women wear leather and make you lick their boots, (hey Guy, 'cept Madonna's, natch?) they are the most domineering people in their field.
WATCH FOR NEW ENTRIES IN DOMINATRIX, COMING SOON!
Walt Gets Cosy with Mickey; Pluto Jealous
Walt always said that he liked working with cartoons because they don’t talk back. They always did what he drew them to do and never drank vodka out of water bottles, flashed their deforested under-regions to unsuspecting paparazzi, and treated rehab like a day spa, unlike the modern day ‘Snow Whites’, Lindsay, Brit-Brit, Paris and Nicole. If Walt wanted bigger boobs and a smaller waist he just drew ’em. Now that’s a Mogul. Walt’s early days were much more humble. He moved to a farm when he was just a lad of five where he first started his dangerous, unchecked and irresponsible experiments to make animals act like humans.
First Pet = A horse named Charley (Get it? Charley Horse!)
First Street = 1249 Tripp Ave, Chicago, Illinois
Porn Name = Charley Tripp
Real Quote: I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney
Mickey’s First Pet = Pluto (First appeared in “The Chain Gang” in 1930)
Mickey’s First Home = According to the Adventures of Mickey Mouse published in 1931, Mickey first lived in a “Cozy nest under the floor of an old barn”.
Mickey’s Porn Name = Pluto Cozy
WALTER ELIAS DISNEY :: DOMINATRIX
Choosing a Porn Name
Porn Names are scientifically structured to give you the most accurate and legal rendition of your new moniker.
Do not randomly choose your Porn Name, or the results could be a lackluster name, as well as career that will follow you the rest of your 'Adult' life. It will go on your permanent record.
Watch this example from "Zach & Mira make a Porno" to learn from other people's mistakes.
VIBRATORS :: MUSICIANS
WATCH FOR NEW ENTRIES IN VIBRATORS, COMING SOON!
Mae West is hankering for a ten-foot pole ....
Mae West was the original wigger (not because she had a line of wigs). White people have been stealing from black culture for decades beginning with the whole person, then their dignity, then their music, then their dignity again and now their style. Just like Gilbert and Sullivan crooked from the Japanese, Mae West pilfered her voice, hips, and attitude from the African American. If you lick their sweet candy shell you’ll soon discover the dark, chewy goodness influencing many of today’s top singers and personalities, like Justin Timberlake (Michael Jackson); Christina Aguilera (Etta James); Dean Martin (Harry Mills); Larry Bird (Magic Johnson); Barack Obama (Denzel Washington) ((Sidney Portier)); and Dr. Hibbert (Bill Cosby).
First Pet = A monkey named Boogie
First Street = Meeker Ave in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn, NY
Porn Name = Boogie Meeker
MAE WEST :: VINTAGE EROTICA
VINTAGE EROTICA :: DEAD AND SEMI-DEAD
Like fine wine and expensive cheese, the older the better, the MILFier, the FILFier.
WATCH FOR NEW ENTRIES IN VINTAGE EROTICA, COMING SOON!
Madeleine Albright is Alll Riggghhht !
Maria Jana Korbelova was born in Prague, Czechoslovakia to Commie
parents. She still managed to rise to the third highest power of these United
States of America even though she was named after the lead character from a
film entitled Madla of the Brick Factory, starring popular and sexy Czech
actress Lída Baarová, allegedly
the mistress of Nazi spin doctor Joseph Goebbels. That makes Madeleine Albright
three degrees of both Adolph Hitler and Kevin Bacon.*
Ms. Albright was exposed to the deadly arts of voodoo and posture during
her college years at Wellesley. It seems she took part in a ritual as old as
Wellesley itself. Nude from the waist up, undershorts rolled to display the
graceful and sensual pubis of pelvis, tiny pins were scientifically positioned
across her teenage body and photographs taken for posterity.
Did we mention her parents were Commies?
Middle Name = Jana
First Street = 35 Princess House, Kensington Park Road, Notting Hill Gate, London, England
Porn Name = Jana Kensington
*Madeleine Albright was in The Final Days with Kevin Spacey ; Kevin Spacey was in Ordinary Decent Criminal with David
Hayman and
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT :: THE SHAFT
Ron Howard wants to know, where's Barney when you need him ?
you know the words!
Production Note: The Star Appeared in the Nude, creating Quite a Sensation!TMI: Ron’s kids are all named after the places they were conceived. Reed Cross, Bryce Dallas, Page Carlyle, Joceline Carlyle. (He really likes the Carlyle Hotel)
RON HOWARD :: PARENTALLY BLOCKED
PARENTALLY BLOCKED :: CHILD STARS
WATCH FOR NEW ENTRIES IN PARENTALLY BLOCKED, COMING SOON!
THE SHAFT :: POLITICIANS
Whether Sexual Congress is in session or they are perfecting their talents as master debaters, these monoliths of megalo-holes are making crackberry self-corrections to their Wikipedia bios while telling us exactly what we want to hear : “Hey, nice tramp stamp.”
(Note to naifs: They are ramming us in the butt.)
WATCH FOR NEW ENTRIES IN THE SHAFT, COMING SOON!
It looks like .... a Hillary Rodham Clinton
Hillary Rodham Clinton is a self-proclaimed Rorschach test. This means that if you smash her between a folded piece of paper you’ll see an image that will remind you of something horrifying in your life…or sex…or both, if you're Bill. Fifty per cent of Americans think of Hillary Clinton as a overachieving she-devil, clawing her way to the top, saying anything to get you to like her and doing anything to cover up the carnage that surely lies in her wake. The other fifty say, “so, what’s your point?”
Now that ink is fading, staining the once pure 'super delicates' soaking in the sink, leaving her hanging on the line. What once was a beautiful perfectly formed flower has been dried between the pages of the DNC scrapbook. For you horticulturists, that flower came from a bulb. We all know that a bulb, even though it seems dead, will keep coming back year after year. Is there such as thing as a four-year perennial?
First Pet = Zeke, a Cocker Spaniel owned by the Clintons when they lived in Arkansas.
Mother's Maiden Name = Mrs. Howell (Lovey, as she was known on the set)
Porn Name = Zeke Howell
TMI :: Zeke was killed by a car, as was their subsequent dog, Buddy. Did they know something about Whitewater? Former First Cat Socks was unavailable for comment (but alive at this printing!)
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON :: THE SHAFT
Barack Hussein Obama haz skillz !
“His dad is black, his mom is white.” There’s an old Three Dog Night song you can sing these words to, but there was nothing in the song about a pet monkey named Tata or goat-herding-African-Muslim-father married to a muu-muu-wearin’-white-woman from Kansas. Wait a minute. If Larry David didn’t already do this one, we need to pitch this sitcom to NBC. I know we have to cut the part about the son running for president because they’ll say it’s too farfetched. Plus, the sponsors will never go for the name Barack, much less Hussein! And the monkey? I’m pretty sure that’s racist.
First Pet = An ape or monkey named Tata, but definitely not a sock puppet.
Mother's Maiden Name = Stanley Ann Dunham
Porn Name = Tata Dunham
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA :: THE SHAFT
John Sidney McCain and his Not-so-secret foreign past !
Maybe McCain never cut sugar cane or fought in a coup against the Columbians, but he did crash three very expensive jets that the United States Navy kept giving him to fly. He suspiciously wanted to stay with the Vietnamese when he was offered a trip home and now he wants to stay in Iraq for one hundred more years, which would make him 172 years old or dead. This only means one thing...JOHN MCCAIN HATES AMERICA!
John McCain currently has 22 pets at home, (14 of those are fish) and all of their names are CLASSIFIED.First Pet = CLASSIFIED
First Street = somewhere in Panama, but CLASSIFIED
Middle Name - Sidney
Mother's Maiden Name = Roberta Wright
Porn Name = Sidney Wright
Super-Uber-Duber Disclaimer of the Gods: John McCain's Porn Name is actually a combination of Rule #2 and Rule #3 making a Rule #4. There is no Rule #4. It doesn't exist. It is CLASSIFIED. You didn't hear it from us.
